WHO'S THAT IN THE MIRROR?
A very weird thing has happened.
A strange
old lady has moved into my house.
I have no
idea who she is,
where she came from, or
how she got in.
I certainly did not invite her.
All I know is that one day,
she wasn't there,
and the next day, she was.
She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep
out of sight for the most part, but whenever
I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her.
And whenever I look in the mirror to check my
appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing.
If she insists on hanging around, the least
she could do is offer to pay part of the rent.
Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill
stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change
under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I
think she is stealing money from me.
I go to
the ATM and withdraw $100,
and a few days
later, it's all gone.
I certainly don't spend
money that fast,
so I can only conclude the old
lady is pilfering from me.
You'd think she would spend some of that
money to buy wrinkle cream, Lord knows she
needs it. And money isn't the only thing
I
think she is stealing.
Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-
especially the good stuff like ice cream,
cookies and candy. I can't seem to keep
that stuff in the house anymore. She must
have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better
watch it,
because she is really packing on
the pounds.
I suspect she realizes this,
and to make
herself feel better,
she is tampering with my scales to
make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish.
She
likes to play nasty games,
like going into my
closets when I'm not home
and altering my
clothes so they don't fit.
And she messes with
my files and everything.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy
me.
She gets into my mail, newspapers and
magazines before I do,
and blurs the print so
I can't read it.
And she has done something
really sinister
to the volume controls on my TV,
radio and telephone.
Now, all I hear are
mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things --
like make my
stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier
and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn.
She even made my bed higher so that getting
into and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries
before I put them away, applying glue to
the lids, making it almost impossible for me
to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?
She has taken the fun out of shopping for
clothes.
When I try something on,
she stands
in front of the dressing room mirror and
monopolizes it.
She looks totally ridiculous in
some of those outfits,
plus she keeps me from
seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any
meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along
when I went to get my picture taken for my
driver's license, and just as the camera shutter
clicked, she jumped in front of me!
No one is
going to believe that
the picture of that old
lady is me.
She's walking on very thin ice.
If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home.
On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty.
First, I think I'll check with the IRS
and see if I can claim her as a dependent!
~ Rose Madeline Mula ~
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